Lesson learnt from my biggest loss

When people ask me, what I do for living, I stumble and I am terrified. But honestly I don’t have an answer to the question. I was an ex-employ in a software firm, I am a passionate sewer who designs bags, I enjoy writing/blogging , dream of travelling to the ends of the world. But what am I by profession?

I shall not elaborate on this, as I have already blogged on my skills in ” jack of all trade but master of none”. I am not sure, shamefully or proudly but it’s true. And everyday of my life, I have always thought, what if I had to choose one. Wish I could proudly say “I am a ………. by profession”. I am not certain if it’s my belief or if it’s the society I belong, which prioritises profession and rank. Again I am not sure which terrifies me more, what I am or what I am not. Hence this has been my biggest loss in this world, I don’t know what I am…
So I was wondering, if I could use the time capsule and go back in time to change myself and become something, what would I do. Of course we all wish to go back change and become something which we dreamt but ever thought which action had to be rectified to accomplish? Go on think… This will be one of your lessons in life.

I realised that as a person I had been very impulsive and given in easily to family, society, friends and peers out of fear, lack of patience, low confidence in myself and trusting and believing others more than myself.As a result I see this day. Had I stood firm, believed and trusted that I would get what I wished and prayed for then maybe I could have had my chance. What’s done is done, I can’t go back and change. I definitely can learn from my mistake.Henceforth I decide and make up my mind trusting myself and believing in myself more than my parents and friends. Only when you believe in yourself, people trust you and put faith in you else you are a lost man.

Smartness is needed but we have always heard from the stories of our ancestors “hard work always pays”. Work hard to achieve. I would try but when I felt it was too far and I see many running towards it, I would lose interest. This was one of my mistake, after fighting and coming so close I would turn back. But now I will take what is rightfully mine and not leave until I possess it. I gladly say that my loss is my strength today, to walk the roads of tomorrows…

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Music for life

They say music is the food for soul. Well I am not a music lover, however my dad’s old collection of ABBA and few bollywood classics have always been my all time favourite.
When I was working, I loved listening to music so I can avoid the distractions. But the best time for me to listen to music is when I run or take a walk. I love running but sometimes, I need motivation and instant energy which would push me to go on.Music helps me achieve that. A soft and slow music/song is ideal when I wish to clear my mind and take a walk around. But bass helps in running.
There are always three stages after a problem/failure. Denial, heart break and finally coping up. It applies in all downfall.At every point of life, we either win or lose. Winning and losing are two sides of a coin. Any happy and lively music of your taste and choice will cheer you when you are happy, even the worst lyrics can sound pleasing. But when is loss, lyrics become your only friend which understands your pain. It almost seems they were written for you, oh wait, these are the words from your head!
I am human too… I have few songs in my playlist which has never been removed and I don’t see them out of my pink ipod. I may grow out of a problem but then fall in another, now this is life. But I don’t grow out of these songs.
When in first stage of denial.

I love heart breaking songs. Well I don’t normally listen to english songs in this phase but of course Bollywood/Indian songs by Lata Mangeshkar are my favourites. She can make me cry with her voice and words.

Second stage: heartbreak

“Everybody has to hold on Hope, It’s the last thing that’s holding me.”
Seriously this song not only gives me the hope its promises in the lyrics but also the motivation to be patient.

Third Stage: coping up

I have earlier written about this song (see my earlier posts), but honestly is there anyone who doesn’t like this song?
“Let it Go”
We can’t carry everything with us. Joy and sadness prevail forever. Don’t glorify your success while melancholy is not going to change what happened.Best is to let go and live in the present.

These are my favourites. Do let me know, what are your favourite songs.Do you like music? Or are you like me? 🙂

Where my frustration was…

I am at this phase of my life where everything is at halt.It’s like I have taken a back seat and I am watching a movie. Irony, I am the one leading the main role. At first it was tough believe me, I think some people would say it’s the beginning stages of depression. I could lose in to depression or I should fight back. Thanks to few of my amazing friends, who stood by me and called to check in on me and spent quality time with me.

Well now that I am thanking few of my friends, I would also like to thank the friends who contributed to this situation. Had they not done, what they did, I would have never found myself. Never understood how to fall and stand again. “Be kind and have courage” from Cinderella, has become my motto in life.Lesson learnt: you may or may not wish to thank your friends but you should thank your enemies because they teach you a lesson for life.

Anyhow I decided to fight back, battle with myself, find myself, accepted the fact and learnt it the hard way.We don’t always get what we want, we should try to be content and make best use with what we have. Besides knowing to swim, I would normally not have the guts to jump in a 10ft pool. But yesterday I found the inner strength to jump in and swim freely. I would like to credit my current phase in life because of which I now know that victory is the next step after courage.

Coming back to fighting my battle, with frustration and the onset of depression. My life is at a halt due to pressure from my family and parents. The independent me was a tough situation for my community and family to accept hence I was asked to quit work and wait at home till I find an eligible groom. My life means more to me and is definitely more than simply finding a groom. The moment I quit work, people sympathised with me and their curiosity which never failed to question me”what do you do full day?”. Words weren’t sufficient to abuse these people. Time when I expected my family to stand by me, they stood with others opposite me, disagreeing with me. That was the day I decided to hate my parents. I continued to hate them, took all my frustration on them, never joined any gathering, never gave family time. I also secluded myself from them, without knowing who was being punished me or them. But my obsession for trying to hate them or annoy them grew so much that I started forgetting my older pains, rejections and my failures.
They are my parents of course they could also forgive me, I may have been wrong but at least I fought my battle and won myself back!

Just another yesterday.

It has been really long since I wrote but believe me I hate to push myself into writing. Rather I enjoy writing when thoughts and ideas flourish my mind. So after a long time, there was something really nice that I felt. Nothing special, nothing different but it was just a yesterday.

As I have mentioned earlier, I am studying french. Since last month, I was occupied preparing for my french exams.I was taking up my DELF and my BILAN exam in French. After all the hardships, yesterday was the day which paid for all my efforts. It was the second last day of my level A2 in French, where the result was shared to the students.

I was worried but to my surprise, I was confident. Finally, the paper was distributed and I was happy. Not very happy because when I looked at few of my answers, I was taken aback. I knew the correct answers! Ofcourse this had to be a pronom, how did I miss that?  It was these silly errors that upset me more. I had missed out the ‘articles’ i.e le,la les…OMG!  With all the preparation and hardwork an error like this made my heart sink.

As this was our second last day and soon everyone will all be on their way. So my professor organized a game. She gave everyone a chit of paper with a classmate’s name written on it. She asked us to speak about them in french. After that person is done, everyone in class can contribute and talk about the same person. This way everybody gets a feedback on themselves.

And then it was my turn. The girl with my name chit started.”She is a friendly and joyful person who wears wonderful scarfs everyday. She loves designing and making handbag’s. She is creative, and cares for people who mean a lot to her.She may not credit herself with this, but it’s true!”

Next came the negatives, She is an intelligent person and she can reach sky but I feel she is very lazy and doesn’t push herself. Everybody second this, the professor said ” Yes, she is impulsive, wants to get done with things. Doesn’t care to re-check. Hence she makes all the errors.”

I learn’t so much about myself yesterday, few things which I never credited myself before with and few things I always erred without realization. It is wonderful to know, how people around you see you.I haven’t lost my confidence but I am consciously taking effort to not be impulsive and push myself whilst I do my chores at my pace 🙂

Language is an art and only few are gifted.

It recently dawned upon me that may be I am not linguistic. I have been trying my best to learn french but when I speak french, I sound English and when I try writing more than four words in a sentence,it has only has been a nightmare. I tell myself ” Tu ne inquiétes pas”. But everyday in my french class, I have to battle with french words. As much as I love learning the language I feel I am far behind my classmates. I haven’t quite understood, if I am a slow learner or few of my classmates are gifted.

Ironically, my father is quite a linguist who knows around 6 languages, I always hoped maybe it was passed along to me as heredity. If only, it can be passed. Of all the languages why I chose french is a different topic but since I started I want to master it.But I have friends in class who not only speak and write french but they also think. One of my classmate, can argue or start a debate in French. On the other side, I have to think to form a sentence. First in English to understand then conjugate the french verbs  and then I speak it out. This is a hurdle when I have to write or speak. But understanding when others speak, is a whole new level. At the end of the day, I am disappointed with myself.

I have set image on my head that any person who is linguistic is very sociable. Is this true?

I met an old colleague of mine, a shy girl, who goes to office works for 8 hours and has very little conversation with people around. To my surprise, she was an intermediate Spanish student. Upon requests, she would teach and tutor other students. I was taken aback when I heard this. I am not being judgmental but a person who is an introvert, disinterested in most of the affairs at work, she is doing so well in a language. That’s when I thought maybe it is a talent or a gift she posses, she can grasp languages easily.

Since I am struggling so much in my  french class, I am starting to believe may be I am not gifted with this art. Is it true that some people can grasp any language easily. While others like me, have to struggle and learn ? Do you agree?

What? So I am not wanted…

I have been learning, studying and trying to increase my knowledge for years now. Yet I am always shown my status and relevance at the end. Let me narrate the scene so you can understand better.As you all know I am hunting for my ideal and my perfect career.Off late I have been blessed with too much of free time. If nothing productive, I thought why not utilize to visit an old lady and do some good deeds. So here, I go to her house to see her and pray for her. I enter her house, to see many young and elderly women sitting and chit chatting their usual’s. Upon seeing me few of them jumped with joy. This was an awesome moment of my life, people were glad to see me! Who wouldn’t love it? Well my question to myself was, exactly why were they happy to see me? Among 25 people in the house out of which half of them were young and beautiful women while few old ladies and kids.Young and smart men from the family stood out attending to the requirements. Again the question popped, why are they happy seeing me?

I tried to focus, and stepped ahead with my purpose of visit. I sat next to her, prayed for her health when suddenly a young women got up and told my mother, “I am so glad to brought your daughter”. The happy me, sat patiently among everyone, little did I know my moment of happiness would burst like a bubble.

Next minute a notepad was brought and it was time to monitor the blood pressure, pulse and other necessary counts, to monitor the ailing aunt’s health. I was asked to start with the procedures. What? What? Me?  I know I can check the pressure in my bicycle but blood pressure? With full of embarrassment, I confronted them and said ” I don’t know”. Everyone was shocked. Looked at me with surprise, the same question running in everyone’s head. “But you are a Doctor?”

Whoooh, wait, what did I just hear? Me doctor? I am a passionate blogger, passionate sewer who loves making quilts and handbags, an intermediate level student of French but not a doctor!  At this point, it all made sense. They mistook me to be my sister who is a doctor. With great embarrassment I explained the scenario only to hear the disappointments. Few of the replies were as follows

‘ Ah! it’s you!’, Wish it was your sister, she could have helped. Had your sister been here she would have done most of the medical procedures.But then it’s you. Is she coming to see?

Tired of all the humiliation and questions, I parted from there pondering over the thought if a person will be respected only by his a her profession. I don’t see myself at fault, I have always tried to learn and be focused either life has been mean and taken it away or I never liked it. Does this mean I am no one? Forever I will be humiliated and compared? That accidental two minute fame, was my only share of happiness?