When people ask me, what I do for living, I stumble and I am terrified. But honestly I don’t have an answer to the question. I was an ex-employ in a software firm, I am a passionate sewer who designs bags, I enjoy writing/blogging , dream of travelling to the ends of the world. But what am I by profession?
I shall not elaborate on this, as I have already blogged on my skills in ” jack of all trade but master of none”. I am not sure, shamefully or proudly but it’s true. And everyday of my life, I have always thought, what if I had to choose one. Wish I could proudly say “I am a ………. by profession”. I am not certain if it’s my belief or if it’s the society I belong, which prioritises profession and rank. Again I am not sure which terrifies me more, what I am or what I am not. Hence this has been my biggest loss in this world, I don’t know what I am…
So I was wondering, if I could use the time capsule and go back in time to change myself and become something, what would I do. Of course we all wish to go back change and become something which we dreamt but ever thought which action had to be rectified to accomplish? Go on think… This will be one of your lessons in life.
I realised that as a person I had been very impulsive and given in easily to family, society, friends and peers out of fear, lack of patience, low confidence in myself and trusting and believing others more than myself.As a result I see this day. Had I stood firm, believed and trusted that I would get what I wished and prayed for then maybe I could have had my chance. What’s done is done, I can’t go back and change. I definitely can learn from my mistake.Henceforth I decide and make up my mind trusting myself and believing in myself more than my parents and friends. Only when you believe in yourself, people trust you and put faith in you else you are a lost man.
Smartness is needed but we have always heard from the stories of our ancestors “hard work always pays”. Work hard to achieve. I would try but when I felt it was too far and I see many running towards it, I would lose interest. This was one of my mistake, after fighting and coming so close I would turn back. But now I will take what is rightfully mine and not leave until I possess it. I gladly say that my loss is my strength today, to walk the roads of tomorrows…
I am at this phase of my life where everything is at halt.It’s like I have taken a back seat and I am watching a movie. Irony, I am the one leading the main role. At first it was tough believe me, I think some people would say it’s the beginning stages of depression. I could lose in to depression or I should fight back. Thanks to few of my amazing friends, who stood by me and called to check in on me and spent quality time with me.
Well now that I am thanking few of my friends, I would also like to thank the friends who contributed to this situation. Had they not done, what they did, I would have never found myself. Never understood how to fall and stand again. “Be kind and have courage” from Cinderella, has become my motto in life.Lesson learnt: you may or may not wish to thank your friends but you should thank your enemies because they teach you a lesson for life.
Anyhow I decided to fight back, battle with myself, find myself, accepted the fact and learnt it the hard way.We don’t always get what we want, we should try to be content and make best use with what we have. Besides knowing to swim, I would normally not have the guts to jump in a 10ft pool. But yesterday I found the inner strength to jump in and swim freely. I would like to credit my current phase in life because of which I now know that victory is the next step after courage.
Coming back to fighting my battle, with frustration and the onset of depression. My life is at a halt due to pressure from my family and parents. The independent me was a tough situation for my community and family to accept hence I was asked to quit work and wait at home till I find an eligible groom. My life means more to me and is definitely more than simply finding a groom. The moment I quit work, people sympathised with me and their curiosity which never failed to question me”what do you do full day?”. Words weren’t sufficient to abuse these people. Time when I expected my family to stand by me, they stood with others opposite me, disagreeing with me. That was the day I decided to hate my parents. I continued to hate them, took all my frustration on them, never joined any gathering, never gave family time. I also secluded myself from them, without knowing who was being punished me or them. But my obsession for trying to hate them or annoy them grew so much that I started forgetting my older pains, rejections and my failures.
They are my parents of course they could also forgive me, I may have been wrong but at least I fought my battle and won myself back!