Lesson learnt from my biggest loss

When people ask me, what I do for living, I stumble and I am terrified. But honestly I don’t have an answer to the question. I was an ex-employ in a software firm, I am a passionate sewer who designs bags, I enjoy writing/blogging , dream of travelling to the ends of the world. But what am I by profession?

I shall not elaborate on this, as I have already blogged on my skills in ” jack of all trade but master of none”. I am not sure, shamefully or proudly but it’s true. And everyday of my life, I have always thought, what if I had to choose one. Wish I could proudly say “I am a ………. by profession”. I am not certain if it’s my belief or if it’s the society I belong, which prioritises profession and rank. Again I am not sure which terrifies me more, what I am or what I am not. Hence this has been my biggest loss in this world, I don’t know what I am…
So I was wondering, if I could use the time capsule and go back in time to change myself and become something, what would I do. Of course we all wish to go back change and become something which we dreamt but ever thought which action had to be rectified to accomplish? Go on think… This will be one of your lessons in life.

I realised that as a person I had been very impulsive and given in easily to family, society, friends and peers out of fear, lack of patience, low confidence in myself and trusting and believing others more than myself.As a result I see this day. Had I stood firm, believed and trusted that I would get what I wished and prayed for then maybe I could have had my chance. What’s done is done, I can’t go back and change. I definitely can learn from my mistake.Henceforth I decide and make up my mind trusting myself and believing in myself more than my parents and friends. Only when you believe in yourself, people trust you and put faith in you else you are a lost man.

Smartness is needed but we have always heard from the stories of our ancestors “hard work always pays”. Work hard to achieve. I would try but when I felt it was too far and I see many running towards it, I would lose interest. This was one of my mistake, after fighting and coming so close I would turn back. But now I will take what is rightfully mine and not leave until I possess it. I gladly say that my loss is my strength today, to walk the roads of tomorrows…

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Where my frustration was…

I am at this phase of my life where everything is at halt.It’s like I have taken a back seat and I am watching a movie. Irony, I am the one leading the main role. At first it was tough believe me, I think some people would say it’s the beginning stages of depression. I could lose in to depression or I should fight back. Thanks to few of my amazing friends, who stood by me and called to check in on me and spent quality time with me.

Well now that I am thanking few of my friends, I would also like to thank the friends who contributed to this situation. Had they not done, what they did, I would have never found myself. Never understood how to fall and stand again. “Be kind and have courage” from Cinderella, has become my motto in life.Lesson learnt: you may or may not wish to thank your friends but you should thank your enemies because they teach you a lesson for life.

Anyhow I decided to fight back, battle with myself, find myself, accepted the fact and learnt it the hard way.We don’t always get what we want, we should try to be content and make best use with what we have. Besides knowing to swim, I would normally not have the guts to jump in a 10ft pool. But yesterday I found the inner strength to jump in and swim freely. I would like to credit my current phase in life because of which I now know that victory is the next step after courage.

Coming back to fighting my battle, with frustration and the onset of depression. My life is at a halt due to pressure from my family and parents. The independent me was a tough situation for my community and family to accept hence I was asked to quit work and wait at home till I find an eligible groom. My life means more to me and is definitely more than simply finding a groom. The moment I quit work, people sympathised with me and their curiosity which never failed to question me”what do you do full day?”. Words weren’t sufficient to abuse these people. Time when I expected my family to stand by me, they stood with others opposite me, disagreeing with me. That was the day I decided to hate my parents. I continued to hate them, took all my frustration on them, never joined any gathering, never gave family time. I also secluded myself from them, without knowing who was being punished me or them. But my obsession for trying to hate them or annoy them grew so much that I started forgetting my older pains, rejections and my failures.
They are my parents of course they could also forgive me, I may have been wrong but at least I fought my battle and won myself back!

What? So I am not wanted…

I have been learning, studying and trying to increase my knowledge for years now. Yet I am always shown my status and relevance at the end. Let me narrate the scene so you can understand better.As you all know I am hunting for my ideal and my perfect career.Off late I have been blessed with too much of free time. If nothing productive, I thought why not utilize to visit an old lady and do some good deeds. So here, I go to her house to see her and pray for her. I enter her house, to see many young and elderly women sitting and chit chatting their usual’s. Upon seeing me few of them jumped with joy. This was an awesome moment of my life, people were glad to see me! Who wouldn’t love it? Well my question to myself was, exactly why were they happy to see me? Among 25 people in the house out of which half of them were young and beautiful women while few old ladies and kids.Young and smart men from the family stood out attending to the requirements. Again the question popped, why are they happy seeing me?

I tried to focus, and stepped ahead with my purpose of visit. I sat next to her, prayed for her health when suddenly a young women got up and told my mother, “I am so glad to brought your daughter”. The happy me, sat patiently among everyone, little did I know my moment of happiness would burst like a bubble.

Next minute a notepad was brought and it was time to monitor the blood pressure, pulse and other necessary counts, to monitor the ailing aunt’s health. I was asked to start with the procedures. What? What? Me?  I know I can check the pressure in my bicycle but blood pressure? With full of embarrassment, I confronted them and said ” I don’t know”. Everyone was shocked. Looked at me with surprise, the same question running in everyone’s head. “But you are a Doctor?”

Whoooh, wait, what did I just hear? Me doctor? I am a passionate blogger, passionate sewer who loves making quilts and handbags, an intermediate level student of French but not a doctor!  At this point, it all made sense. They mistook me to be my sister who is a doctor. With great embarrassment I explained the scenario only to hear the disappointments. Few of the replies were as follows

‘ Ah! it’s you!’, Wish it was your sister, she could have helped. Had your sister been here she would have done most of the medical procedures.But then it’s you. Is she coming to see?

Tired of all the humiliation and questions, I parted from there pondering over the thought if a person will be respected only by his a her profession. I don’t see myself at fault, I have always tried to learn and be focused either life has been mean and taken it away or I never liked it. Does this mean I am no one? Forever I will be humiliated and compared? That accidental two minute fame, was my only share of happiness?

On your feet

Situation of my life:

I belong to a conservative family/ society were the actions of women are generally deemed by her father or brother. However I have grown to be an independent person with my own thoughts and opinions.My society believes that women are to be taken care of, hence she ought to enjoy what is earned by the men of her family. Since childhood I have been a passionate person wanting to seek knowledge and grow into a respectable woman. On the contrary women I know, love shopping, dressing up, whiling away time and enjoy cooking for their loved ones. I am of a strong belief, that time spent of cooking everyday is a waste of time.We do not live to eat, but the contrary. These women have looked at me as the odd one out because I would choose to struggle and put up with hurdles and do the exact opposite of what these women do. Majority of my time has gone by me arguing with my family about my interests and wants.I believe in what I do. Often, I think WHY?

What is expected?

Women are expected to be humble and compassionate. To be a loving daughter, sister, grand-daughter. Random families with similar or better status ask for the girls in marriage to their sons & grandsons. After a council, the men from the family decide and and she is wedded. It may sound depressing, trust me the girls enjoy the big fat lavish weddings, adorned with jewels and bright colors moving to a family which is similar or mostly better than her family in financial status. The girl is expected to be the happiest person, as she has just accomplished obtaining a good and smart groom.

After marriage, deemed by her husbands decisions and leaning on husband at very aspect of life. Men go out to work while women wait for them to return. Full day is spent in daily chores, cleaning, cooking.For generations this has been the trend.

Why Am I rejected?

My friends and family say :”Idiot, Why do have to do it? Sit back relax and enjoy”. If you step out and do what they do, you guys become equal. Oh no that is not right for a balanced family. Education always rises a persons abilities and earns respect.The girl should ideally be respected but it’s looked down at. It’s a nightmare if the girl is educated more than the guy. Since childhood I was always told one should do their own work. I am not sure why suddenly the rules have changed.

Well none of this has stopped me, I believe in what I do. Parents who agree cannot support, fearing rejection from society.Sometimes having your voice can become an issue. But stand on your own, never fear, people may accept you or they may not.But how can one live with themselves without self acceptance?

 

This is my Goal…

I am a very ambitious person whose motive in life has always been to achieve. But irrespective of my dreams and passion, I simply feel I am lost. Every time I look at my sister I feel, wow she knew what she wanted and she is working towards it. On the other hand I am 26 yrs old and I am still trying to find myself and my interests. I have come a long way in life through all the struggles and turmoils in life. I have had my good days and bad ones too.

In my conquest, I have tried new things and hope to do the same in future with a motive to always try… Never turn back and regret. Something I learned recently and I am glad about it. Because it’s better late than never.

I bumped into wordpress and started writing.

To a lot of them, I am a simple young girl who has lots to see in the future. But when I look at myself I think I am wise enough to face my future, to fight with all my zeal and to break all the barriers that stand my way. After all, experience and knowledge makes us stronger.

At this time you may find my writings with a positive attitude, trust me when I say this, I wasn’t a positive and energetic person as I am sounding right now. Let down with misery and heart break, all I wanted was my life to end. But slowly I started to put myself together and learnt it the hard way, that when life throws lemon, grab it with a smile and make lemonades and drink. If you are smart enough, make plenty and sell.

My friends have always come to me with their issues and problems. They always felt, I am a sensible person to talk to. Seriously???? Well the irony is I give my friends the best solutions but when I have to face the situation, I somehow don’t seem to relate to these solutions. My mind would not accept them. It took a lot of time for me to learn “How to let go” I still haven’t mastered it 😦 Yes this is one of my Goals.

What brings me to this blog?

In my quest to find myself, I decided to write. Write about my life, my feelings, emotions, my happiness, moments of sadness. I have often mentioned in my blog, life is an ECG with up’s and down’s. This is what binds us together, as we all have similar thoughts and feelings at some point of time in our lives. When I am low, I love to read about others and the way they handle the situation. Sometimes it’s the same rhetorical line: forget it! It was in the past..Move on! Of course I know those lines but when someone is around me to remind me of them, I feel better. Hence my blog.

I have been there and I have done it too. My goal is to bring the positive attitude to all my readers and share the beauty of life. Everybody has there set of happiness and problems. But it feels nice, when we know someone is there with similar issues and we share our thoughts and discuss. I would love to see more followers and everyone participating in my blog and share their moments of happiness and struggles.As sharing your happiness with others helps multiply while sharing your sorrows makes one feel stronger.

If I had a reset button…

We break our bones, it hurts but of course we can pop a pill and the pain is gone. We have a problem, we solve it or either run away from it and it’s gone. But damn…heart breaks no matter what pill I pop, what drink I have and no matter where I run. It’s the same and it just doesn’t go.

I am sure everyone reading this, has gone through this pain at least once in their life.Sometimes the simplest thing can cause heart aches and heart breaks like moving to another city (leaving behind your loved ones), relationship failure, divorce of your parents, one sided love, rejection in love,work and career or any other failure. We never realize the worth of anything until it has been taken away from us. None of us have liked it but we can’t neglect the fact that these heart breaks have changed us for good, made us a stronger person.Wounds heal but they definitely leave a mark.

I have for a long time now, tried to remove the marks and pray every day that I don’t add any more marks by falling hard again. Thus I have always wondered what if there was a reset button for my heart. That way, I won’t fear falling again and there is no mark to worry about.They say time heals which is true but marks don’t.So if I had to reset my heart, I would press that and start life my way,the following way.

1. I would have grown as an ambitious child,I would be focused from the start and not waste time searching for the right profession(FYI, I still haven’t figured).

2.I would never really get attached to people because I have learned it the hard way. We only meet people to depart.

3. Spend more time with my loved ones, with people who love me than grabbing the attention of people who mean nothing.

4. Don’t fall for anyone until he/she is willing to spend their life with you.It’s best when the other party asks first.Wait… It is not necessary, being first will give you success. Sometimes it’s best to wait.

5. I will not believe in “It’s meant to be” unless tragedy or incident pushes me to. Always exercise my choice.

6. Decide……be strong…. Do not be in two minds.

7.Live the way I always wanted to.. Fearless, no curfews, no manners keep my mind free and liberal.

8.Just be smart all  the time,do listen to your heart but do not neglect your brain!!!

9. I will be truthful to myself and accept myself with all the cons, yet feel proud of who I am.

10.Avoid a situation were I have to return and wish if only I had done it…..

Please do share your views, and let me know what is that one thing you will do if you could reset your heart.

My last day of twenty fourteen

The last day of 2014, the 31st Dec.

It seems like just yesterday when I was worried and panicking about commitments, weddings, relationship. The day started and I got dressed to meet my friends for a brunch, the start of my new year(2014). Later I had everything falling apart. The way I had imagined my life, wasn’t one in reality.

Good or bad I was in my comfort zone, going with the flow of life. Wake up early morning, take a cab to work, spend the day with friends and colleagues working or playing foose ball at office. Until a day when I quit work due to family pressure and realized I have nothing to do. Relationships were a failure and sadness took a toll.

All I wanted, was to fly away….If only, I could. I do feel like a bird but a bird with no wings. Friends and family reasoned and argued their views and points. Each day my heart sank to see my dreams fall apart.

It was this year, the 2014 when I felt my world changed. I hit hard on the ground with reality and pain.Day’s and night’s I wept, screamed and fought with God. Until one day, I woke to realize why not…

So I decided to learn and do something I always craved, to organize myself and to throw away all the waste. I joined french classes, brought my sewing machine. And most important I decided to start “writing” thus my blog “whenidecidedtowrite.wordpress.com”. I have learned life the hard way. Rejections and failures are winds which can hit you hard. Yet we test ourselves and know our limits.I learned to love myself more and more each day. When your hands are tied there is no right or wrong way, we do our part and rest is left on God. “Let it go” hit my playlist and helped me grow strong while books like ‘I am Malala’ and series of ‘House M.D’ let me move on. I know this loud and clear, that when life throws lemon; make lemonade. I have made new friends and spent time with old ones. I try my best not to procrastinate because it is now I know, one has to grab opportunities when it knocks your door.

When I close my eyes I feel glad you are going because I can only remember the sorrows and pain you gave. You took away my love, my job and even few friends. People say theirs was a roller coaster ride, I felt I was in a slide.

But you have also taught me to be grateful, hence I recall, you taught me to

1. Fear and worry less

2. Leave the past behind.

3. Be done, being that good girl.

4. Value the people who care and love , instead of running behind people who aren’t worth for.

5. Finally cook and bake. I can now make my own tea!

6. pursue my passion of sewing

7. Show patience and have faith.

8. speak more than ‘Bonjour, comment cava? ‘

9. Love myself and expect the best.

10 Finally brought me to the wonderful world of writing, which I love the most.

Hence I finally say ‘bon adieu’  2014. I am hereby welcoming 2015 with a smile and a new haircut which I just got. I now have bangs, which I always wanted. Hoping a new look and a new spirit can change the coming year and the years to come. Wishing you all a very Happy New Year.